Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Humphrey Bogart Versus GodZilla: A Love Story

Boggart Gadget and the Escandalous Lady From Tokyo. A new comedy classic from the Nervous Epicenter Productions. Watch here!

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The New Adventures of Saddam Hussein

December 14, 2003, the White House Oval Office, a phone rings.

- Georgy! Hey Georgy!

- What do you want Saddam? Have I not told you not to call this number! I call you, not you.

- I want to know what's going on! They just announced on TV that I was captured, what about our agreement?

- Ah ... The democrats were pressing for an action, but don´t worry everything is still standing. We chose one of your doubles for the show, someone called Al-Micarah Fadei.

- Mickey! He is one of my favorites. Treat him well!

- I can´t guarantee it, you know that!

- Ah ... at least you can assure me that he will not be raped.

- This I also can´t do. I can´t stop my soldiers to rape him, is the American way!

At the beginning of the Iraq war, Saddam Hussein made a deal with the U.S. government for him to disappear. It should have been a 100-year war. Receiving a new identity, he was sent to Honolulu, Hawaii, as Francois Rousseau, a private detective. And these are the New Adventures of Saddam Hussein!

March 21, 2005, the office of investigations Rousseau, a phone rings.

- Saddam!

- Georgy, what do you want this time?

- What hospitality! I have a new mission for you!

- Ah ... It is no longer enough that I took your childhood friend Osama bin Laden as an assistant. What a troublemaker he is! And besides it, do you know how complicated it was to convince him to get that beard off. Not to mention that he still does not answer by the new name. Have you not told me it was his choice to be called Tim Curry.

- Ah ... he is a big fan of the Rock Horror Picture Show! But do not change the subject, you know our agreement. And do not forget that I took you out of that mess with that redheaded FBI agent that you had an affair while in California, when I sent you there to that one simple mission to recover those gay porn Schwarzenegger tapes.

- Ok .. ok ... Spit it out, what do you want this time?

- So, recently it was discovered that the cure for AIDS is in a rare substance found only in the embalmed penis of the monk Rasputin. But last week it was stolen from the museum in Moscow by an Indian-Canadian terrorist group called the Quebec squad of masturbators for Shiva. Your mission is to recover the penis and destroy it before it gets to the public and causes a billions´ loss to the pharmaceutical industry.

- You want me to destroy the cure for AIDS!?

- Of course!

Will Saddam Hussein accept his new mission? Who are the Quebec squad of masturbators for Shiva? Who is the busty blonde whom just came into his office? Find out after these messages from our sponsors!

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The Michael Jackson Religion

Michael Jackson

Morphosyntactic Rating:

- [Michael Jackson] noun masc singular.

- [Michael Jackson] adjective masc singular.

Synonyms: Jacko, Jacksonian.

Antonyms: Joe Jackson, anti-Jackson, Prince.

Related words: moonwalking, salvation, end of times, new era, thriller, truth, heaven, never land, Peter Pan.

Michael Jackson: The term can either be used to determine the religion of our only God and savior, the glorious king Michael Jackson, as any one of its most worthy worshipers, also known as Jacksonians.

1. I sang my sins to our Lord Michael Jackson.
2. That Michael Jackson is a fine young man, I want him to do a bad with my daughter.
3. I beat it three times today with my friends Michael Jackson.

Here follow excerpts from the book Our Beloved by Rudá Castro, the brazilian theologian who specializes in our Lord Michael Jackson.

"It's hard to find nowadays who doesn´t know the story of our savior, the glorious Michael Jackson. Perhaps the infidels worshipers of the Sheen, residents of the eastern states. But not even they in there position can refuse to recognize his glory."

Page 12

"As we all know, our savior decided to make himself flesh in the middle era of the American Empire, by impregnating the virgin, the beautiful, Janet Jackson. His birth, a blessing in itself, was picked up by radio signals, which immediately brought three producers from faraway lands to the garage that his mother gave birth. Each one with a gift: a gold record in which he would record his first glory, a pair of gold sandals that would bless us with his moonwalking and a golden comb to straighten his beautiful hair. Beautiful hair that born curly, one of the first temptations for him, now made flesh, from the devil Joe. "

Page 37

"A Jacksonian besides after 3 months of birth having in his baptism that horrible deformed thing, called by the infidels sheenians, nose, cut off, also passes through a process called the rejuvenescense of the color, through the ancient baths, which gives him the best possible appearance of milk. And so, the best to react to this process are recognized as those with the real blessing of Michael Jackson."

Page 154

"It is difficult to consider what life is like as a Sheenian. How someone can spend a day without dancing at least three times the moonwalking into the direction of Never Land."

Page 198

"As reported by one of his twelve apostles, Peter Pan, one of his main truths was: never age. And so we all Jacksonians must strive to make the most of our childhood in all aspects of our lives. A truth that was better understood by the Venezuelan president of the Lower Empire, when he made a total reform of his major city, Miami, in order to comply with this rule. Replacing all of its buildings with tree houses, and all public transportation with soapbox cars. "

Page 382

"The first great schism in the Michael Jackson was the confusion about differing interpretations of the reports of his apostles, especially between Peter Pan, Bubbles, Macaulay Culkin and Corey Feldman. Especially in relation to Billy Jean, the prostitute, who would be responsible for our savior to abandon his corporeal form at thirty-three years."

Page 399

"In Michael Jackson I found myself
I, you, my brother and sister are all Jackson
I love Michael Jackson, as he loves me
lets moonwalk, moonwalk lets my friend
because I am bad, bad as our Lord."

“Hare Jackson, hare Jackson, Jackson Jackson, hare, hare, Michael Jackson.”

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Divine Disneyland: Descent to the quarry

I wanted to reach the top, I had to reach the top, I could see the sun coming up there, when a wild Pluto appeared in front of me, blocking my way. That was when behind a tree Dante appeared and said "Come, come, young artist, that way there is no way, so come with me so I can teach you another way to reach the top." And so I followed, and soon we were entering the gates of Disneyland. "Through here we have to go, crossing those many theme parks so you can reach your goal, but before I have a very important question to ask you." "Ask it" I said to Dante. "So, okay, I understand that reading the whole Divine Comedy is a hard work, but at least my whole page on wikipedia you could have taken the trouble to end, right?" "Yeah ... I planned to, but did not found it necessary, because I intend to finish writing this text in less than an hour." "So, not even a citation in italian will I speak throughout our journey? "" Wait ..." "Una bellissima ragazza è il sole, una creatura straordinaria, one che fa l'galoppare immaginazione." "Satisfied?" "A quote from me, no from Marcello Mastroianni." "Yeah ... ok, let’s continue on my journey!" " But not even Disneyland you know how it is" " ... "

Guided by Dante, we enter the first of Disney´s theme parks: a thematic city taken by thousands of Goofys in love. Passionate, abandoned, goofy. "Love means never having and losing, love is to have and even still lose, love is to remember and be forgotten, love  is to forget, but always remember. Let's ask one of those Goofys, my young artist friend." "They all seem different, but they are so equal in their stupidity." "Any one will do. Hey you, yes you there writing that letter, come here!" And the Goofy came. "What is it about this letter?" "I don’t understand, for I loved with all the nano-particle of my being, and yet it was not enough. It is preferable to be in the mud, than in my presence? I don´t know, really don´t know, I thought I knew, but I don´t know. And if I only knew that, what's left of me now? I don´t know." "It's quite pathetic, Dante. " "Yes, let's go to the next."

One city after a rainbow is what came before us. A picturesque colorful city, taken by smiling rats. As soon as we enter it, we were greeted by a smiling Mickey Mouse. "Hello friends, everything is perfect today! I hope that you all are having fun!" "Why are you so happy?" asked Dante. "Hahahaha, why else would I, because I am! Look how I smile, of course I'm happy! Hahaha." "But what is the reason for all this?" I asked. "Hahaha, because I'm happy! I have to be happy, no? What do you want, that I be something else? What do you expect me to be otherwise? Do you want me to be miserable? Is that it? Why would anyone want someone to be in a miserable state? Just because nothing in my life has any importance and all meaning has been destroyed, crushed in the gutter? You want me to lie crying in the gutter? Turn into an alcoholic? Is that it? So you can very well go harass another mouse, because this one is a happy one! I must be! I am! Yes, yes, look how I smile!" "I do not want to smile like him, let's continue." Dante said.

We crossed a bridge over a lake of fire, pieces of pigs were floating in the water painted in red, some of those pieces were still moving and among then there were mouths that shouted "Never again, never again." A worm wriggled on the road full of tumors. We come to Duckburg. An enraged Donald Duck walked angry through the street quacking unrecognizable words. Dante reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet to get a coin, then he shot it with his finger into air. The coin rose, then fell on the sidewalk in front of us, drawing the attention of Uncle Scrooge, who until then had not noticed us. "A coin, a precious coin, could it have fell from my wallet? Hum ... it is yours? What lack of attention with your precious money!" "Yeah, how clumsy am I, thanks for returning it. One question, do you know what's wrong with that duck there?" asked Dante. "Hah ... my nephew is revolted by the hen he loves. Every two seconds, she gives a different kind of attack, not knowing what she want from life, and it affects him wholly. Yelling that she really doesn´t love him, that she can´t recognize his value, and then he punches the walls. My nephew always has those problems with his hens. The first, another crazy one, disappeared one day, leaving him with three eggs to raise. Hah ... and you think he was taking care of those eggs? No, the three were left for me. And worse still, he only calls then nephews. The three little bastards do not even know that he is there father! But I've learned my lesson in life. I've also been flustered as a young duck with those short skirts that were worth nothing, they never knew what they wanted out of life, and only caused problems. That's why I gave myself to my beautiful coins. You know how to live a good life? Simple, just depend on yourself for everything. And money will give you this possibility. Hah, I remember the first time I could fill my big safe full of gold coins, I went swimming in it and broke my spine. Do you think I started crying after that? No, I changed then for the best adamantium bones in the market. Yes, now that metal is part of our continuity. What money can´t buy?" "But still, you never thought of falling in love again, even in this new condition of self-sufficient?" I asked. "Ah ... yes ... of course, always believed that with a strong hen beside me, supporting me in all my goals, I could become much richer. But you think I found one? Hens today are being conditioned to satisfy a lot more society’s needs than anything else, they get lost in an cheap ego, believing it to be there´s, but it is only a creation of society for it´s on sake, so they lose completely sight of the whole picture. None can conceive in there’s imaginations the kind of union possible to override everything else as I thought. But, do you  want to know who is the hen of my life? She's here! So Uncle Scrooge took a coin from his pocket and showed us the outline of a hen in one of its sides. We continued to the next park.

The path of the park began to vanish, and become quickly a heap of loose stones. We went down, and everything around us had become a gray stone horizon. Dante went in front of me, puzzled. "It's weird, my young artist friend, we should be rising, but we're going down, and I don’t know the reason of this. Tell me what was your initial question to be needing to reach the top?" I was going to answer Dante, when suddenly...

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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Where to find me!

So want to hire me to write something - a best seller, a comic book, a script to the remake of the Atack of the Killer Tomatos - , or maybe direct something - hollywood next oscar winning blockbuster? You can contact my agent - know as myself - he is the best in the area! Want to invite me to an antology, or maybe to your city with all expenses paid to get the key to the city, or who knows you are an ilustrator and wants to drawn something of mine? Again contact my agent. Also, if you think you are going to die, and doesnt know to whom leave all your money, because you hate all your family, just contact me directly and I will reluctantly receive all your inheritance! Read something, or saw something in the site, you cant seen to have the courage to write in a comment - maybe how much you love me and we are twin souls from another life, or how you can get my adress so you can bomb my house under the bridge -, just send me an email at!

Ps.: Wondering what the 38 stands for? Thats a long story. 

Hello and welcome!

Hello and welcome to my House of Madness! My name as you can see big on the top of the site is Daniel Matos - imagine not egotistical at all - and I am a writer, also a film maker. I am a brazilian, and up until now, most of my work has been written in portuguese. So now I decided to stop being laze and start translating most of it to english. Funny enough that my first experience publishing my writings was in an american comic book writing forum, where I wrote a couple of well received comic scripts. I even got motivated enough to write a project for Marvel´s Epic imprint, that died before I could send it, as the project since I couldn’t find an artist. After that I begun writing a novel in my native language, and left my english writings. Since then I publish that novel A Scream in the Emptiness to the Nothingness - yes, I know what it sounds, a philosophical adventure without much commercial appeal, but what the hell I have a major in philosophy and thought it was gonna be the greatest novel of the begging of the 21 century, summarizing it, ain´t no Harry Potter, or DaVinci Code, or that horrible thing with the shinny fairy vampires -, and afterwards I started a series of short stories going through all kinds of genres: comedy, suspense, horror, western, detective, even erotic. And those are the ones I am going to start translating and posting here, of course with some new materials, maybe even with new serials. So what can you, dear reader expect? A lot of dark humor and sarcasm, also some surreal stuff. Although I am a big reader of Kafka, Dostoyevsky, Henry Miller, Wilde, Huxley, Bukowski, Burroughs, Hesse, and many of the big names of literature, most of my influences come from comic books. I basically learned how to read with Chris Claremont´s X-Men. Afterwards upgrading to comics like V for Vedeta, Miracleman, Sandman, Swamp Thing, Animal Man, Doom Patrol, The Invisibles, Transmetropolitan, Preacher, Shade The Changing Man, Akira, The Black Incal, Rising Stars, and many others. What can I say, I am the only person I personally know who read all 300 issues of Dave Sim´s Cerebus – appendices included. Also there are the films, that I plan post here to, dubbed or with subtitles, if I don’t do than directly in english. Films are my second big influence, I also have a major in it – a lot of shiny paper I still am expecting something from -. Orson Welles will be showing his face quite a bit in some of my stories. Just to mention, big fan of Kubrick, Monty Pyton – Terry Jones and Terry Gilliam - , Jim Henson, Romero, Wong Kar-Wai and Sofia Copola. Of course there are many more. I think that’s it. Oh, also you may notice a lot of paypal donate buttons around the site. That’s because I am also a sleazy capitalistic bastard and don’t make a penny from any of my creations – usually the opposite -, so if you want to help me get out of my cold existence of living under a bridge, eating daily soups of stones and shoes, you are welcome!

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